


I love you, dean.

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Dean Winchester Can't Say "I Love You", Episode: s15e18 Despair, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, deancas is canon I'm crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:41:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27415903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: s15e18 coda.Sam and jack find Dean on the floor and Dean tells them everything he was supposed to say to cas, but couldn't.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 160





	I love you, dean.

**Author's Note:**

> this is just me breaking down, im so sorry if I made some typos or grammar mistakes.
> 
> anyway DEANCAS IS CANON but at what cost am I right?

The bunker is silent, no sounds, the air feels thicker somehow, it seems like the time froze in place. Every room is empty, except for one. The dungeon, that's where Sam and Jack find Dean. 

As soon as Sam walks through the door he's met with a picture he saw once too many times, but in this moment, in this exact moment it feels heavier. 

Perhaps Sam is projecting, he still hasn't processed what happened to everyone, Jack and him watched helplessly all the people they know disappear right before their eyes. 

Charlie, Bobby, Donna..... Eileen, everyone is gone, and they can't do anything about it. 

They've lost every single person they ever cared about, once again, and one would think it gets easier, it doesn't.

Dean is on the floor, the room is a mess, there's no sign of Cas, but Sam doesn't realize it immediately, his mind and eyes are focused on his brother.

"Dean?" Sam walks closer.

Silence.

"Dean? are you okay?" now he's just a few feet away from him. 

"Where is Cas?" 

Silence.

Sam looks behind him, checking on Jack who's been awfully quiet, he has a confused and worried look on his face, helpless and Sam can't help but feel sad, that isn't a look that is supposed to find its place on a kid's face. He doesn't know what to do either but he needs to be strong for Jack, so he offers a smile, forced, sure, he still hopes it's enough though.

"What is happening to Dean?" Jack asks, Sam finds that he doesn't have an answer, not even a white lie he can say to calm the nephilim down. 

"I don't know," that's all he's able to say, not enough.

Still silence...or so he thought, now Sam is closer to Dean, and he can clearly hear a soft mumbling, Dean is repeating some words but Sam can't hear them just yet.

He's now on the floor right in front of his brother, he doesn't know if touching him is gonna make the situation worse or not, if the touch is going to trigger something inside the man in front of him but he has to try, he has to. Sam is so scared.

The younger brother touches the other's shoulder and that's when Dean suddenly lifts his head from where it was laying on his knees.

His eyes are bloodshot red, unfocused and the words, still mumbled, are now clearer. 

It seems like Dean isn't aware of his surroundings, isn't aware of Sam and Jack being in the room with him, just yet.

"I love him," falls from Dean's mouth, like a prayer, an invocation almost.

Dean takes hold of Sam flannel and just holds, he's trembling.

"Dean, what happened to Cas?" 

An unreadable look passes on Dean's face, he sets his jaw and his face grows harder. 

The murmur suddenly stops, mid-phrase, he now looks right into sam's eyes "i couldn't say it back." Deans voice cracks. 

That's what Dean says and as if that sentences snapped him out of the shock he found himself in, Dean abruptly gets up, shoving Sam, who's now on the floor.

His brother starts pacing up and down the room "I love him and now he's gone!" every words is punctuated by a hit, on every surface he finds on his path.

Jack who's been in the background 'till that moments has a scared look on his face, he shifts his gaze to Sam, silently asking what to do, a nod, anything. Sam can't answer.

"He's gone, I wasn't- i didn't want him to say it, why did he say it? why did he tell me? I pleaded, i pleaded him not so say it, he knew-" he takes a breath, a broken ragged breath. "he knew I couldn't say it back, Sam, I didn't have time. Now he's gone, and I love him." he crumples down on the floor once again.

"Sam, i don't know what to do, i can't stop thinking about every moment we spent together, the way I treated him. I never realized I could lose him for real, I was supposed to be the one who had to sacrifice himself." 

is that true? is that what Dean thought all along? the final plan?

"I always loved him, since day one. He said i changed him, that's not true, i didn't. He was the one who changed me. Sammy, i miss him. I love him- and I fuck it up. I couldn't even say it back. i couldn't."

Sam doesn't know what to do, he holds his breath, afraid that if he just dares to make even a tiny movement, Dean is going to stop talking and build his walls up again.

"he was the love of my life, and i was too blind to realize it sooner. I remember when you used to tell me about Jess and how you knew you loved her since the first moment she walked through the class door. I knew too, deep down, from the first moment I saw him in the barn.

I saw him and I was a goner.

Now he's gone, I panicked and I didn't say what I should have."

Finally Sam walks closer, still slowly, he approaches his brother like one would approach a wild animal, trying not to startle him.

He sits down next to him and then he hugs Dean, he hugs him and his brother finally cries.

When they eventually pull apart everything sinks in for Sam, everything comes falling down, and it's too much already. What are they going to do now?

They have no idea, he stands there while Dean walks past him, Sam can hear his brother stopping right before the door where Jack still stands. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Sam catches Dean saying. He turns around just in time to see Dean who, with a hand on Jack shoulder repeats "I'm so sorry" one last time and then he's gone.


End file.
